having a hard time
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March 22, 2009 - 8:26 pm
I'm a teenager living with bipolar. I was diagnosed with bp some time in the beginning of this school year. I have always been some what strange(that might just be me) and awkward. I always felt like i wasn't the same as other people. My mom raised me and my three sisters by her self and is a recovering addict, (We're so proud of her!) So our family has always been different compared to the people i go to school with. my mom has been in and out of AA since i was born. She went to a psychiatrist a little longer than a year ago. She was diagnosed with bipolar and this seemed to be the answer she was looking for because she is now a year sober! this past summer has been the worst part of my bipolar. I started experimenting with pills, smoking and cutting myself. I have tried to kill myself a few times. I was living with my moms ex husband who she married when i was six. he is also the father of my six year old sister. I was with him because my mom was living with a boy friend who i didn't like and she was a bit preoccupied with her addictions. My ex step father mike was often not home and when he was i would be in my room to get away from him. i was very alone most of the time. he is a Scientologist so psychiatry was completely out of question to him. Scientology isn't all bad but it didn't help me much. Once my mom got sober, split up with her boyfriend, and got diagnosed, i moved in with her so she saw me a lot more. I was extremely depressed and suicidal. My mom noticed but didn't do much until i texted her from class one day saying "I JUST WANT TO DIE." She rushed me to a psych and i was then diagnosed. Life has been much better since but i still struggle. My mother is a big party of my life and is pretty much my best friend. Even though we're close it is still hard to share everything with her. My friends don't understand, and i don't expect them to. I feel very lonely and my grades aren't anything to be proud of. Its hard for me to connect with people my age because they don't understand. Its also hard because im some what more mature. I definitely don't say that because i feel superior to them, but many adults tell me this so I assume its true. I don't have many people i can to talk to about a lot of things and sometimes it builds up inside of me and i break down. Sometimes i feel like life is so complicated, i don't understand how people survive and can be happy. I'm frustrated with myself and life. Some times i just want to scream. It feels so hard to coexist with people, and not because of them. This takes "its not you, its me." to a whole. new. level! Sometimes i think living like this is so complicated and hard, i wonder if its even worth it to get out of bed and push myself through the day. I think "wow. It would be nice to be dead and never have to do anything again" and then i wince at the idea of being without my mother. Sometimes i lay in bed and cross my arms, take a deep breath, and tears roll down my face. Im telling you all of this because i want to know if there are other people struggling like this and is there any one else out there like me? Any advice? id love to talk with someone who is like me. Its very very rare i find people i connect with.
*MiCaElA*
I'm a teenager living with bipolar. I was diagnosed with bp some time in the beginning of this school year. I have always been some what strange(that might just be me) and awkward. I always felt like i wasn't the same as other people. My mom raised me and my three sisters by her self and is a recovering addict, (We're so proud of her!) So our family has always been different compared to the people i go to school with. my mom has been in and out of AA since i was born. She went to a psychiatrist a little longer than a year ago. She was diagnosed with bipolar and this seemed to be the answer she was looking for because she is now a year sober! this past summer has been the worst part of my bipolar. I started experimenting with pills, smoking and cutting myself. I have tried to kill myself a few times. I was living with my moms ex husband who she married when i was six. he is also the father of my six year old sister. I was with him because my mom was living with a boy friend who i didn't like and she was a bit preoccupied with her addictions. My ex step father mike was often not home and when he was i would be in my room to get away from him. i was very alone most of the time. he is a Scientologist so psychiatry was completely out of question to him. Scientology isn't all bad but it didn't help me much. Once my mom got sober, split up with her boyfriend, and got diagnosed, i moved in with her so she saw me a lot more. I was extremely depressed and suicidal. My mom noticed but didn't do much until i texted her from class one day saying "I JUST WANT TO DIE." She rushed me to a psych and i was then diagnosed. Life has been much better since but i still struggle. My mother is a big party of my life and is pretty much my best friend. Even though we're close it is still hard to share everything with her. My friends don't understand, and i don't expect them to. I feel very lonely and my grades aren't anything to be proud of. Its hard for me to connect with people my age because they don't understand. Its also hard because im some what more mature. I definitely don't say that because i feel superior to them, but many adults tell me this so I assume its true. I don't have many people i can to talk to about a lot of things and sometimes it builds up inside of me and i break down. Sometimes i feel like life is so complicated, i don't understand how people survive and can be happy. I'm frustrated with myself and life. Some times i just want to scream. It feels so hard to coexist with people, and not because of them. This takes "its not you, its me." to a whole. new. level! Sometimes i think living like this is so complicated and hard, i wonder if its even worth it to get out of bed and push myself through the day. I think "wow. It would be nice to be dead and never have to do anything again" and then i wince at the idea of being without my mother. Sometimes i lay in bed and cross my arms, take a deep breath, and tears roll down my face. Im telling you all of this because i want to know if there are other people struggling like this and is there any one else out there like me? Any advice? id love to talk with someone who is like me. Its very very rare i find people i connect with.
*MiCaElA*
March 22, 2009 - 10:04 pm
Total Posts: 9
Joined: 03-13-2009
Joined: 03-13-2009
I think you'll find that there are more people struggling with this out there than you think, and not just because this is the "vogue" mental illness to steal someone's description.
I know what life was like when I was your age and suffering from this disease. People loved me, not because I was the life of the party--I was the party. I could make up songs about other schools on the fly, I would torture teacher's in class with my antics. I once threw my Shakespeare book out of the window during Honors English and when I didn't get the response I wanted. I retrieved the book, returned to the class and threw it out again before storming out of the room.
My mother was an alcoholic so I avoided any kind of drugs and alcohol, but I used to ride my bike to my girlfriend's house to sneak in her window in the middle of the night. This was an hour ride each way, in the winter on school nights, but I could sleep for 2 hours and be good at school the next day.
After that I would be really irritable, I mean irrationally, paranoid irritable accusing people of doing things to me and plotting against me. I mean when the world is out to get you, paranoia is just good thinking so I'll stab you with this pencil to keep you away irritable.
And I would want to die. every day
When I graduated from high school, I joined the army where I continued more of the same antics only now I had live ammunition and no supervision. I spent days awake and partying which led to being irritable to dangerous activities, fights etc.
I cut myself numerous times and got a bunch of tattoos.
And I wanted to die. every day
I suffered for 15 years undiagnosed and finally 12 years ago, I went in a broken man to a psychiatrist who gave me meds that changed my life forever. I am no longer in the hell that was my own head, creating this hell for all those around me to share and enjoy.
5475 days later, I got up one morning and realized I didn't want to die. I went off my meds 1 time for too long and I won't ever do it again.
I disagree with people that you are too mature, you are too world weary and you have been forced to experience things that no one your age should have to worry about. It's not easy leaving with a parent that has a dependency especially without another parent in the picture. Don't give up on your peers because they don't understand, you HAVE the disease and don't understand.
You need to find an al-anon group to help you deal with some of the issues your mom brings to the table that you need to get past and won't be able to solve by talking to her. This allowed me to finally confront my mother this last year and she will have her first sober year in August. This allowed us to finally talk about something other than how messed up the other one was.
This disease is Hell ( I'm a full blown BPD I with ADHD and I approve this statement ) I will have it for the rest of my life, but building a good support group helps get me through the ups and downs. It sounds like you're making a good start.
Good Luck and God Bless.
I know what life was like when I was your age and suffering from this disease. People loved me, not because I was the life of the party--I was the party. I could make up songs about other schools on the fly, I would torture teacher's in class with my antics. I once threw my Shakespeare book out of the window during Honors English and when I didn't get the response I wanted. I retrieved the book, returned to the class and threw it out again before storming out of the room.
My mother was an alcoholic so I avoided any kind of drugs and alcohol, but I used to ride my bike to my girlfriend's house to sneak in her window in the middle of the night. This was an hour ride each way, in the winter on school nights, but I could sleep for 2 hours and be good at school the next day.
After that I would be really irritable, I mean irrationally, paranoid irritable accusing people of doing things to me and plotting against me. I mean when the world is out to get you, paranoia is just good thinking so I'll stab you with this pencil to keep you away irritable.
And I would want to die. every day
When I graduated from high school, I joined the army where I continued more of the same antics only now I had live ammunition and no supervision. I spent days awake and partying which led to being irritable to dangerous activities, fights etc.
I cut myself numerous times and got a bunch of tattoos.
And I wanted to die. every day
I suffered for 15 years undiagnosed and finally 12 years ago, I went in a broken man to a psychiatrist who gave me meds that changed my life forever. I am no longer in the hell that was my own head, creating this hell for all those around me to share and enjoy.
5475 days later, I got up one morning and realized I didn't want to die. I went off my meds 1 time for too long and I won't ever do it again.
I disagree with people that you are too mature, you are too world weary and you have been forced to experience things that no one your age should have to worry about. It's not easy leaving with a parent that has a dependency especially without another parent in the picture. Don't give up on your peers because they don't understand, you HAVE the disease and don't understand.
You need to find an al-anon group to help you deal with some of the issues your mom brings to the table that you need to get past and won't be able to solve by talking to her. This allowed me to finally confront my mother this last year and she will have her first sober year in August. This allowed us to finally talk about something other than how messed up the other one was.
This disease is Hell ( I'm a full blown BPD I with ADHD and I approve this statement ) I will have it for the rest of my life, but building a good support group helps get me through the ups and downs. It sounds like you're making a good start.
Good Luck and God Bless.
A pirate looks at forty, with his reading glasses.
I think you'll find that there are more people struggling with this out there than you think, and not just because this is the "vogue" mental illness to steal someone's description.
I know what life was like when I was your age and suffering from this disease. People loved me, not because I was the life of the party--I was the party. I could make up songs about other schools on the fly, I would torture teacher's in class with my antics. I once threw my Shakespeare book out of the window during Honors English and when I didn't get the response I wanted. I retrieved the book, returned to the class and threw it out again before storming out of the room.
My mother was an alcoholic so I avoided any kind of drugs and alcohol, but I used to ride my bike to my girlfriend's house to sneak in her window in the middle of the night. This was an hour ride each way, in the winter on school nights, but I could sleep for 2 hours and be good at school the next day.
After that I would be really irritable, I mean irrationally, paranoid irritable accusing people of doing things to me and plotting against me. I mean when the world is out to get you, paranoia is just good thinking so I'll stab you with this pencil to keep you away irritable.
And I would want to die. every day
When I graduated from high school, I joined the army where I continued more of the same antics only now I had live ammunition and no supervision. I spent days awake and partying which led to being irritable to dangerous activities, fights etc.
I cut myself numerous times and got a bunch of tattoos.
And I wanted to die. every day
I suffered for 15 years undiagnosed and finally 12 years ago, I went in a broken man to a psychiatrist who gave me meds that changed my life forever. I am no longer in the hell that was my own head, creating this hell for all those around me to share and enjoy.
5475 days later, I got up one morning and realized I didn't want to die. I went off my meds 1 time for too long and I won't ever do it again.
I disagree with people that you are too mature, you are too world weary and you have been forced to experience things that no one your age should have to worry about. It's not easy leaving with a parent that has a dependency especially without another parent in the picture. Don't give up on your peers because they don't understand, you HAVE the disease and don't understand.
You need to find an al-anon group to help you deal with some of the issues your mom brings to the table that you need to get past and won't be able to solve by talking to her. This allowed me to finally confront my mother this last year and she will have her first sober year in August. This allowed us to finally talk about something other than how messed up the other one was.
This disease is Hell ( I'm a full blown BPD I with ADHD and I approve this statement ) I will have it for the rest of my life, but building a good support group helps get me through the ups and downs. It sounds like you're making a good start.
Good Luck and God Bless.
I know what life was like when I was your age and suffering from this disease. People loved me, not because I was the life of the party--I was the party. I could make up songs about other schools on the fly, I would torture teacher's in class with my antics. I once threw my Shakespeare book out of the window during Honors English and when I didn't get the response I wanted. I retrieved the book, returned to the class and threw it out again before storming out of the room.
My mother was an alcoholic so I avoided any kind of drugs and alcohol, but I used to ride my bike to my girlfriend's house to sneak in her window in the middle of the night. This was an hour ride each way, in the winter on school nights, but I could sleep for 2 hours and be good at school the next day.
After that I would be really irritable, I mean irrationally, paranoid irritable accusing people of doing things to me and plotting against me. I mean when the world is out to get you, paranoia is just good thinking so I'll stab you with this pencil to keep you away irritable.
And I would want to die. every day
When I graduated from high school, I joined the army where I continued more of the same antics only now I had live ammunition and no supervision. I spent days awake and partying which led to being irritable to dangerous activities, fights etc.
I cut myself numerous times and got a bunch of tattoos.
And I wanted to die. every day
I suffered for 15 years undiagnosed and finally 12 years ago, I went in a broken man to a psychiatrist who gave me meds that changed my life forever. I am no longer in the hell that was my own head, creating this hell for all those around me to share and enjoy.
5475 days later, I got up one morning and realized I didn't want to die. I went off my meds 1 time for too long and I won't ever do it again.
I disagree with people that you are too mature, you are too world weary and you have been forced to experience things that no one your age should have to worry about. It's not easy leaving with a parent that has a dependency especially without another parent in the picture. Don't give up on your peers because they don't understand, you HAVE the disease and don't understand.
You need to find an al-anon group to help you deal with some of the issues your mom brings to the table that you need to get past and won't be able to solve by talking to her. This allowed me to finally confront my mother this last year and she will have her first sober year in August. This allowed us to finally talk about something other than how messed up the other one was.
This disease is Hell ( I'm a full blown BPD I with ADHD and I approve this statement ) I will have it for the rest of my life, but building a good support group helps get me through the ups and downs. It sounds like you're making a good start.
Good Luck and God Bless.
A pirate looks at forty, with his reading glasses.
March 23, 2009 - 5:53 am
Total Posts: 36
Joined: 02-12-2009
Joined: 02-12-2009
micwillet,
I want you give you a gentle hug and comfort you. My son is bipolar and struggled a lot. In the last couple of years he's been doing better in himself. He is on medication that agrees with him. He's had meaningful employment and has married a nice girl. I feel compassion for you. I suffer depression and know it can get dark down there in the black hole. My only advice would be to take your medication as prescribed, be vigilent about getting enough sleep, stay away from alcohol and drugs. There are people here you'll easily connect with. Seeking support in a forum like this was a great decission. Well done. I still want to give you a gentle hug.
I want you give you a gentle hug and comfort you. My son is bipolar and struggled a lot. In the last couple of years he's been doing better in himself. He is on medication that agrees with him. He's had meaningful employment and has married a nice girl. I feel compassion for you. I suffer depression and know it can get dark down there in the black hole. My only advice would be to take your medication as prescribed, be vigilent about getting enough sleep, stay away from alcohol and drugs. There are people here you'll easily connect with. Seeking support in a forum like this was a great decission. Well done. I still want to give you a gentle hug.
micwillet,
I want you give you a gentle hug and comfort you. My son is bipolar and struggled a lot. In the last couple of years he's been doing better in himself. He is on medication that agrees with him. He's had meaningful employment and has married a nice girl. I feel compassion for you. I suffer depression and know it can get dark down there in the black hole. My only advice would be to take your medication as prescribed, be vigilent about getting enough sleep, stay away from alcohol and drugs. There are people here you'll easily connect with. Seeking support in a forum like this was a great decission. Well done. I still want to give you a gentle hug.
I want you give you a gentle hug and comfort you. My son is bipolar and struggled a lot. In the last couple of years he's been doing better in himself. He is on medication that agrees with him. He's had meaningful employment and has married a nice girl. I feel compassion for you. I suffer depression and know it can get dark down there in the black hole. My only advice would be to take your medication as prescribed, be vigilent about getting enough sleep, stay away from alcohol and drugs. There are people here you'll easily connect with. Seeking support in a forum like this was a great decission. Well done. I still want to give you a gentle hug.
March 23, 2009 - 4:21 pm
Total Posts: 6
Joined: 01-24-2009
Joined: 01-24-2009
Thank you both for your advice. I truly appreciate your listening to me. thank you for caring enough to share.
*MiCaElA*
Thank you both for your advice. I truly appreciate your listening to me. thank you for caring enough to share.
*MiCaElA*
March 23, 2009 - 8:53 pm
Total Posts: 203
Joined: 01-27-2009
Joined: 01-27-2009
Micwillet
I also suffered with BP as a teen. I just didn't know it. My family just put it down to me being "VERY MOODY". They don't believe in mental illness. Looking back on my life all I can say is that I'm very glad that I found ways other than killing people to express myself. I've been suicidal since i was six but also had homicidal thoughts often. For me writing very depressing poems and playing the piano for hours at a time saved me from a life in prison. I also found one wonderful person that was just there for me. No matter what she was there for me. She told me when I was being stupid or just wrong but also talked through things I thought about without judging me. I was very lucky but so are you. You have found out you have bipolar as a teen. You have resources such as this sight and councilors to help you. Please make use of them fully and if you are truly in crisis please get help.
I also suffered with BP as a teen. I just didn't know it. My family just put it down to me being "VERY MOODY". They don't believe in mental illness. Looking back on my life all I can say is that I'm very glad that I found ways other than killing people to express myself. I've been suicidal since i was six but also had homicidal thoughts often. For me writing very depressing poems and playing the piano for hours at a time saved me from a life in prison. I also found one wonderful person that was just there for me. No matter what she was there for me. She told me when I was being stupid or just wrong but also talked through things I thought about without judging me. I was very lucky but so are you. You have found out you have bipolar as a teen. You have resources such as this sight and councilors to help you. Please make use of them fully and if you are truly in crisis please get help.
Worst pick up line ever.-------> Does this cloth smell like chloroform to you?
Micwillet
I also suffered with BP as a teen. I just didn't know it. My family just put it down to me being "VERY MOODY". They don't believe in mental illness. Looking back on my life all I can say is that I'm very glad that I found ways other than killing people to express myself. I've been suicidal since i was six but also had homicidal thoughts often. For me writing very depressing poems and playing the piano for hours at a time saved me from a life in prison. I also found one wonderful person that was just there for me. No matter what she was there for me. She told me when I was being stupid or just wrong but also talked through things I thought about without judging me. I was very lucky but so are you. You have found out you have bipolar as a teen. You have resources such as this sight and councilors to help you. Please make use of them fully and if you are truly in crisis please get help.
I also suffered with BP as a teen. I just didn't know it. My family just put it down to me being "VERY MOODY". They don't believe in mental illness. Looking back on my life all I can say is that I'm very glad that I found ways other than killing people to express myself. I've been suicidal since i was six but also had homicidal thoughts often. For me writing very depressing poems and playing the piano for hours at a time saved me from a life in prison. I also found one wonderful person that was just there for me. No matter what she was there for me. She told me when I was being stupid or just wrong but also talked through things I thought about without judging me. I was very lucky but so are you. You have found out you have bipolar as a teen. You have resources such as this sight and councilors to help you. Please make use of them fully and if you are truly in crisis please get help.
Worst pick up line ever.-------> Does this cloth smell like chloroform to you?
March 24, 2009 - 9:53 pm
Total Posts: 9
Joined: 03-13-2009
Joined: 03-13-2009
"Very Moody", if I had a nickel for every person that told me that after they found out my diagnoses I could retire.
A pirate looks at forty, with his reading glasses.
"Very Moody", if I had a nickel for every person that told me that after they found out my diagnoses I could retire.
A pirate looks at forty, with his reading glasses.
March 26, 2009 - 3:57 pm
Total Posts: 4
Joined: 03-26-2009
Joined: 03-26-2009
micwillet ...... I truly feel for you. I am 33 years old and have been living my whole life with bi polar, and your story has brought tears to my eyes. You do have it somewhat tough and I too can relate with your struggles. I have always felt outcasted and feel alone. I had many episodes of feeling suicidal. I have tried to kill myself once when I consumed alcohol with sleeping pills. All I remember was waking up in the hospital. For me each day is a constant struggle. I am trying to get my medication right. Don't ever let anyone make u feel different. I know it's easier to say than to do. I know what it feels like to think your crazy or going insane, but I guess we have to hang in there. I hope my experience helped you somewhat.
micwillet ...... I truly feel for you. I am 33 years old and have been living my whole life with bi polar, and your story has brought tears to my eyes. You do have it somewhat tough and I too can relate with your struggles. I have always felt outcasted and feel alone. I had many episodes of feeling suicidal. I have tried to kill myself once when I consumed alcohol with sleeping pills. All I remember was waking up in the hospital. For me each day is a constant struggle. I am trying to get my medication right. Don't ever let anyone make u feel different. I know it's easier to say than to do. I know what it feels like to think your crazy or going insane, but I guess we have to hang in there. I hope my experience helped you somewhat.
Joined: 01-24-2009