MED HELP!!!!

1st of all, I am in NO WAY trying to act like my situation is appropriate or okay with me... I HATE the things I do, and the trouble I have gotten myself into. I HATE hurting anyone else from the things I have done, or say. I want to get better. I am fighting for this. I am soooooo ready to work as hard as I can to get better. I know that the things I mention below sound like I am just a bad, mean person, but trust me... everytime I re read it, I also hate that girl who has done all of those things. I feel like I was a bully. And I hate that.

Currently, my doctor only has me on Lamotrigine (50mg, per day), and it has only been 2 1/2 weeks since I started taking it again, but after reading and researching Lamotrigine, I gathered that it doesn't really help people who suffer from rapid cycling. Also, I am taking Xanax on an as needed basis for SEVERE panic attacks, but I'm curious if there is something better for my situation. I have the quickest, bad decision making problems, in the world. When I read about people almost getting fired for their anger... It makes me laugh. It makes me laugh, and then it makes me depressed because I'm like, Oh gosh... I am REALLY bad off here. I am 27, and I have had at had at LEAST 40 different jobs. All of them I have either gotten fired from because of starting a 'cussing fight', or actually going after one of my coworkers to physically attack them, OR because I quit my job because I lost it emotionally and just couldn't get out of bed, or take care of myself. I have ALWAYS suffered from anger outbursts ever since I can remember. Seriously, like what the heck.... I am a girl (very girly), but I have been in more physical fights then I can remember because of my anger. And I can't control WHO I get into it with.... I have hit my middle school assistant principle, I have hit a teacher, I threw a book at another teacher, I fought boys in middle school, I used to fight my older sister, my older brother, my younger brother, tried my mom once (but quickly realized how DUMB that was.. that woman is strong)... Anyway, I pretty much grew out of hitting, I think the last time I tried to fight somebody was when I was 23/24. So it has been about 3 or 4 years, BUT I still can't seem to control my mouth or other actions that I know are wrong. It's crazy because by the time the anger hits, It's really possible that I will do anything, but then I will want to kill myself AS SOON as I calm down, when I realize how wrong I was. I called a DA's office one time (District Attorney), and cussed him and his whole entire staff out. I have cursed a police officer out, and went to jail, but the whole time I was in the back of her car, I was still running my mouth (by the way, she had come out in the 1st place because I got into a physical fight with a former boss and her husband). I let out all of the air, in all 4 tires, of my ex-boyfriends car. And then another time, I poured an expensive bottle of champagne all over his car, along with chocolate milk, and crab meat. And then another time, I found some naked pictures in his phone of some girl, and I hacked into his facebook account and put all of the naked photos up of that girl so that everyone could see them. I also tried to kill myself in the abandoned parking lot right by his house (took 29 Xanax, and almost died that time). There are SOOOO many more occasions that I could tell you about that really scares me. And it's ALWAYS a lose/lose situation. I really can't stop myself from doing it while I am right in the middle of it, even though I know how bad I am hurting other people, but then after it's done... I hate myself 10x more, and am WAY more likely to kill myself without trying to get help...

I am curious... Does anyone out there suffer with Bipolar ii, and also suffer from ultra rapid cycling, and ALSO, a bunch of mixed state episodes too? If so, what meds do you take?

... Does anyone know if there is any type of drug that works faster than Xanax (30 - 40min.), and will help you not do something really stupid when you start going down with anger?

... Also what about the mixed state? I have seen some people mention that they also go through horrible anger problems when they are in a mixed state. Is there anything that can help prevent a mixed state from occurring so often?

... If anyone takes Lamotrigine, how is it working for you?

Hey, hang in there. Sounds like you're just getting started with your meds. It might take a while before you figure out what meds are right for you. I know it's super hard, but you'll get there. You're still on a pretty low dose of Lamictal. Are you taking the generic? I took the generic and it didn't work for me. Name brand actually makes a big difference in this case for some people. I am up to 200mg daily and right now I am doing really great. I did okay on 100mg for a while, then took a gnarly downward spiral. I feel the best I've felt in years right now. we tried abilify, concerta, ritalin, and a few other things, but seems like just the lamictal is working for me right now. Of course I am in relatively constant fear of sliding back down that nasty slope, but for now I'm doing really good. As for the xanax, put it under your tongue instead of swallowing it and it will absorb faster. That might help. How many mg of xanax are you taking?

Are you only taking lamictal and xanax? I just got through having a rage episode and mixed episode severely depressed. I went to my pdoc today and he put me back on Lithium (which I had just stopped 2 mo. ago) at a higher dose and said that would help with my raging. I would just stay close to your pdoc and tell him everything that's going on and you should be able to find a mix that works for you. But it's hard sometimes to find that right mix, you just have to keep after it. I know there's a right mix out there for me too, but I have yet to find it.
Good luck and best wishes!

Wow, what a lot of information in your original post. I used to cycle pretty quickly and severely, but my pdoc put me on a mood stabilizer, and the change has been fantastic. Perhaps something like that would work for you?

i too can rage, i end up screaming and crying (why when im angry? dont ask me..), then afterwards i want too kill myself ...... It doesnt sound nearly as bad a yours, seeing how i only got violent when i was blelow the age of 10... and its definetly not as often. xanax is an antianxiety, supposednto calm you down yes, but a girl i met at the hospital only had severe depression, and the was on antidepressants, as well as lithium. she was not bipolar, but she was on it to control her anger. i think a stronger mood stabalizer than lamictal would help with the anger, and lamictal is more for people who have depression as a dominate symptom, and obviously, thats not your case. Lithium, depakote, Even zyprexa.... Tryptophan if you live in canada.... perhaps topamax.... Just throwing a few names out there. You can look them up to learn more.

Has your dr approached the possibility of co existing borderline personality disorder? I thought of that because of the rages and subsequent wish or attempt to harm yourself. I took lamictal for several years but my episodes had been primarily depressed, my manias (I've had 3 full blown now) were based on my hypersexuality and poor decision making, I've only raged one time prior to diagnosis and that was due to wellbutrin and no mood stabilizer. We can't be the pdoc but it would seem depakote or lithium would help with your symptoms better. BUT give the lamictal a chance, you are still at a very low dose, over 200mg would probably be ideal. I had been up to 450mg at one point but my next dr brought it back down to 225mg.

therapeutic dose of lamotrigine is standard 200mg

I was on twice what my second dr said I should be on with the lamictal, he said at that much all I should get were side effects, funny though I didn't have any, plus a big dose of effexor, 425mg. My second dr took me back down on both meds BUT he also added prozac which then triggered mania for most of the year. My dr I started seeing this year took me off lamictal, put me on depakote lowered effexor to 75mg and kept me on the seroquel I started in the hospital last Oct. I've finally been stable since March.

Hey 1kmims.

I have to ask is whether or not you are seeing a psychiatrist or a family doctor for your diagnosis and treatment; and, are you taking any other medications for the bipolar?

I was originally being treated for depression by the family doc but then found a pdoc who ultimately diagnosed me with and continues to treat me for BP2 (although my BP has been rated for three BP research groups as being BP2 boardering BP1).

I take cymbalta for depression and pain 120mg daily; I take lamotrigine (generic lamictal) to stablize my mood 400mg daily. Cymbalta sped me up but didn't totally relieve me of the depression and the lamotrigine was added to slow me down just a touch and to act as an additional antidepressant. I also take propranolol (generic Inderal) for anxiety.

You mention that you started taking lamotrigine again ~ why was it discontinued (or did you stop taking it on your own)? My guess is your doctors believes it would work well for you or he would have put you on something else.

It took some time to get the two meds at the theraputic dosage that works well for me but it was well worth it; and once the propranolol was added the anxiety levels dropped off the charts. The lamotrigine is the med that made the most positive improvement to my mental health

If you haven't already done so you should find a therapist or psychologist ~ it is amazing what therapy can do for you. I'm not saying therapy is easy or that you will even like going but it can be a major tool in your search for stability. Believe me, therapy is not all about your past hurts and mental abuses; therapy can also help you change your mindset and reactions to those things that cause you to become angry in the first place.

Wishing you peace and stability.

Hello All,

Thank you for sharing everything. Well, as far as my pdoc goes... I guess it's really my own fault if I am not on the right medicine because I have never told him everything. I have told him most everything, but I am so embarrassed and ashamed of everything else that I was hoping, since he already knew I am bipolar ii, that I wouldn't have to mention EVERYTHING else. I see him again on the 26th of this month, so it looks like I am just gonna have to do it regardless of how scared I am. I have been like this ever since at least 12 years old. I used to get so mad or depressed, and before I knew it, I was hurting myself. I remember one time, I got into it with my mom, and I was in a FULL blown rage, and I grabbed some scissors, and started cutting chunks of my hair off. I destroyed it so badly, that I ended up having to shave it completely. I was probably 12, 13 ish. Then another time in high school, RIGHT in the middle of drama class, I rapped a belt around my arm, broke the glass mirror out of my powder foundation, and starting cutting away on my wrist and arm. Then I used to take freshly sharpened pencils, and go up and down my arm as hard as I could. I would bleed. I haven't done anything like this again though, after around the age of 18 (I am 27 now). My family, and I, both feel that I have JUST as many episodes of mania, as I have depression. I get them both equally. Now, I know I said I don't really cut or hurt myself anymore like I used to in my teenage years; however, now it's different stuff, that still messes me up. I too, struggle with my sex drive. Again, when I was younger, I would sleep with multiple people. By the time I was 23ish... I had already been with more than 30 partners. I can't remember the exact number, but anywhere between 30 - 33. I always hated myself for that too, and after everyone of them, except 3, would cause me to go into a suicidal state. I hated myself, and would beg myself to never do it again, but I still did. Now, and the past few years, I do not do that anymore; however, I am still wanting to have sex all of the time. I look at porn ALL of the time, and actually spent almost 10 hours looking at it one day, a couple of weeks ago. You know that ex that I mentioned above? The one who I let out the air in his tires, poured the champagne, chocolate milk, and crab meat on his car, also, posted the naked pics of the girl on his facebook, and tried to kill myself in front of.... Well I'm still sleeping with him on occasion, but even though that is just one person... I still am doing it and wishing that I wasn't. I got baptized this past February 6th, and I truly believe it is wrong biblically to have sex outside of marriage; however, I can't seem to stop sometimes. And of course you know that puts me RIGHT back into a state of severe depression. I have been on and off with him for over 6 years, and he has told me several times that he does not want to be exclusive, but for some strange reason, when things are going great between us two, I all of sudden feel like he is required to not act in a certain behavior anymore because that would be 'cheating' on me. I want so badly to remember that he is JUST my friend, and that we will not be giving a relationship another try, but it never works that way.

@amyf: I have done research on borderline personality disorder, and am not sure what to think. I match up to A LOT of the things that is described as borderline personality disorder, but also saw that it is very hard to diagnose, or tell the difference, between that and bipolar ii. I guess it's because many of the charateristics overlap. Then again... I KNOW I've held over 40 jobs, but the most recent 2 I held and were actually very good, high, positions. The only reason I left the 1st one out of those 2 is because the Founder knew that I love audio and media, so he had the company that creates the commercials for his company, create me a position. With that said, I was thinking that maybe I don't have a borderline personality disorder, because I thought that they couldn't hold ANY job... or is this not true? I don't know... but if I have it... I want it fixed!!!

@riley: I have not seen a therapist, because I don't currently have any medical coverage. I decided not to go with the one my job offers, so I have to wait a year on any 'pre existing' conditions. Basically, I can't afford it. The lamotrigine already shocked the heck out of me with how expensive it is, which by the way, if I can't find a way to get it cheaper, then I might HAVE to stop taking it. I did stop it on my own the 1st time I started taking it because #1. I had a little rash on my neck, and got scared, and #2. I was not willing to allow myself to be 'bipolar'. I lied to my doctor, and told him that I had taken Zoloft before, and it worked great. Little did I know that it would cause me to be even more worse off. I finally got to the point that I would rather every single person in this entire world to point and laugh at me, and call me crazy, then to actually BE crazy and keep hurting myself and others. I am now excited about getting the help I need, and can't wait for the day that I am in a 'testing' situation and make a good choice instead of a usual bad one.

Lastly... to all... I wanted to tell you a couple more things I've done... and if you have, or know anything about BPD, tell me if it sounds to you like that is what I am suffering from...

When I was 18, right after me and my highschool sweetheart broke up, I went and bought handcuffs because I was going to trick him into coming over to talk, but really I was going to handcuff him to my bedroom door handle, and I was going to make him watch me shoot myself.

When I was 24, after finding out that my ex brother in law got all charges dropped, for stabbing my cat to death, actually he didn't stab her to death... she was still crying faintly, with some of her brain hanging out of her head, but after all of that, I became homicidal and suicidal, and was going to go kill some people, and then end my own life. Instead, I drove myself to a hospital, and they took me to a different hospital for 3 days.

I would tell your doctor that you need something stronger. Lamictal never cut it for me. My pdoc tinkered around with it for 4 months until I was extremely blunt and said I was suicidal and this medicine isn't doing anything I want to stop it and try something else.

I concur with the mood stabilizer comments. I take Lithium and I notice a DISTINCT difference between my anger on and off it (I have gone on and off a few times, but that's a different story).
Without it, I am highly irritable; however, I have no ability to see that it is me. I have thrown things, had screaming fits, wanted to divorce my husband, etc. On Lithium I feel like there is space for me to think before reacting, and I don't feel like the world is caving in on me or that I can't stand whatever it is that is irritating me.

You should only get a BPD diagnosis from a therapist or Pdoc, not us...however, I did want to say that folks with BPD can hold a job, just as folks with Bipolar can...it's all about severity and symptoms and how someone's diagnosis manifests itself.

I haven't heard great things about Lamictal for people that have the severity of symptoms you describe...I have a friend who was on it, became suicidal, and was put back on Lithium, and she is a million times better.

Good luck!