Bob,
You've mentioned a number of times that, "I go to AA meetings and leave half way through because I just can't sit there. " I certainly understand how alarming this could be to you, because when we start 12 Step programs we see participation in these meetings as essential to our recovery. And they were, but they can poop out, if only because of frustration about the symptoms that meetings haven't resolved.
I know you do a lot of 12 Step activity through your groups and mental health support group. So, once again, it can be alarming when all of this activity leaves some symptoms unaddressed.
At that point, we need something more and something different, but we don't know precisely what.
You said above,
"I find myself looking for things to hold my interest. I go from the television to reading to my computer and back, trying to find something to do. I don't stay with anything very long and just feel hopelessly bored."
I've felt like that a lot. What I'm doing at present is teaching English at my church (which takes up six or eight hours per week with preparation and two weekly one-hour classes). This gives me a responsibility to keep in mind.
My therapist told me to pick a religious movement and get involved. I thought she was insane, if only because I had tried this before and become disillusioned. But, then I recalled that I became disillusioned and alienated because I decided to marry a woman whom my pastor told me unequivocally that I should NOT marry under any circumstances. I ignored my pastor and then became angry at the church over the daily drama that my life became when I married the wrong person.
In addition, just as therapy wasn't enough by itself, likewise church wasn't enough BY ITSELF. But lately, after medicine has relieved some of my depression and mania, church has become an essential part of keeping myself busy and involved with other human beings. Medicine has undoubtedly enabled me to form relationships at church without having to confess to others that I am suicidal, because I'm NOT suicidal today.
Ten cups of coffee a day could certainly cause a typical person to feel wired. But there MUST be a reason why you drink so much coffee. And that reason might come to the fore as you reduce the amount. OR, you just might discover that you don't NEED as much coffee when your medication is working well. Or it might be that the medication CANNOT help you for so long as you're drinking that much coffee.
If I didn't have my English-teaching activities, then I would feel as if I were doing nothing at all in life, and I NEED positive activities. When 12-Step program activities are not enough to make us feel involved, we might have to step outside of programs and do some additional positive contributions that take up our time, give us new opportunities for social interaction, and make us feel positive about ourselves.
Yesterday, after church, I invited my best church friend and an acquaintance to my house for some orange juice (I have my own juicer now) and to play on my computer. It took up time when I would otherwise have felt lonely and unloved.
Above all, I've recently been invited to contribute some time doing something I once did daily in my area of expertise. Having studied myself closely, I understand that the only reason for me to refuse to help is my fear of becoming depressed again and not being able to succeed. But, with God on my side, "I am more than a conqueror!" My life need not be circumscribed and limited by fear of mental illness.
In summary, finding new and useful service activities to do OUTSIDE of 12-Step programs might take up some slack time and slack energy. I know that you're asking yourself why 12-Step activities are no longer enough. It might be because you've become so good at them, over time, that they've become boring and rote.
So, what I would suggest is to adopt a new service activity OUTSIDE of 12-Steps where your challenges will be real, your activities will be challenging, and figuring out how to do them well will occupy your mind.
P.
Medications for March 15, 2013 to April 14, 2013
10-30-1986 - Present: |
Alcohol (beer, vodka, etc.), 0.000001. NEVER |
10-30-1986 - Present: |
Marijuana, 0.000000000001. NEVER |
08-11-2007 - Present: |
Valium/diazepam, 5mg. Rarely, only if trouble sleeping at night. |
08-29-2012 - Present: |
Seroquel/quetiapine, 100 mg. Every night (or early morning) right before I go to sleep. |
10-02-2012 - Present: |
MiniPress (Prazosin), 1mg at night. 10:00 PM |
10-06-2012 - Present: |
Seroquel/quetiapine, 200mg. 10PM |
10-31-2012 - Present: |
MiniPress (prazosin), 2mg. One hour before bedtime. |
10-31-2012 - Present: |
Seroquel/quetiapine, 400mg. One hour before bedtime. |
11-19-2012 - Present: |
Seroquel (quetiapine), 800mg. 10:00PM (1 hour before bed) |
12-28-2012 - Present: |
Seroquel (quetiapine), 800mg. Each night at 10PM |
01-07-2013 - Present: |
Lithium, 300mg. At night, with quetiapine and carbemazepine, |
02-07-2013 - Present: |
Inositol Capsules, 4x500mgcapsules. At night, before bed. |
03-07-2013 - Present: |
Seroquel (quetiapine), 900mg. at night, an hour before bedtime |
03-19-2013 - Present: |
Whole Grain Brown Bread, 1/2 pound. daily |
04-11-2013 - Present: |
Fresh Orange Juice, 1 liter. per day |
I'd rather have a frontal lobotomy than a bottle in front of me.
Joined: 12-05-2011