That creeping depression feeling...

I am in a bit of a conundrum because I am in between pdocs. My last doctor, as I posted, was crazy, and after my last appointment, I do not trust him or respect him enough to ever see him again.

My new pdoc, who I am hoping will be very good, has me scheduled for 7-15. I am sure you are all familiar with this -- the hoops you have to jump through, and the waiting for pdocs.

I am still on the mood stabilizer I have been on for about three years (lamictal). Over the last six months, things have been added and taken away. The thing that worked best seemed to be a low dose of prozac, but it quit working about 3 or 4 months in. At this point, I moved, got a new doctor (crazy doctor). He was the doc who pulled me off the prozac and is against prescribing ad's to people with bipolar.

The latest med I was taken off of was saphris. It gave me anxiety every night, and I was getting depressed. I felt way better for a couple weeks, but now I have that creeping depression feeling.

Don't know if it is like this for others, but it's almost like an ache I feel in my arms, chest, neck. It is like a slow, dripping, creeping dread. It's a bleak outlook in general. I know I should get out and do things, but I have to make myself get out of the house.

I decided it was time for me to get back out and get a job, so I went and put in an application today. The manager is out of town for 1 wk. Instead of being proud of myself for overcoming fear and just DOING it, I just feel a bubble of dread in my chest, like nothing is going to turn out right, and I am never going to meet friends in this town.

I ran a couple of errands afterward, and I forced myself to talk to a few more people I saw out and about. It feels so unnatural.

I am trying to do things like eat right, take my vitamins, get out, get sunshine and exercise, but does any of that pull y'all out of a depression at all? Or is it just the meds? Sometimes I think I should just quit trying and just sit on the couch all day and watch netflix.

Carrie

Carrie,

My depressions feel a lot like yours I think, when I am down I really have a hard time getting out of it, for me it took the ect to break it. I hope u can do it with meds and your new pdoc tho I hate it that u have to wait till July! Keep trying to do what u r doing, the exercise, sunshine, etc. I am proud of u for getting out there and putting in that application, if u decide u can't do that job when they call u for an interview u can always tell them u have accepted an position at another business, but thank you for they interview and you will be thinking of them in the future. This way u keep doors open for the future.

Please don't let yourself get too down come here to talk, call a hotline if needed, I know it can be hard when it feels like u r all alone. I live in a city where I have no family, and few close friends that I see often, I don't even see my roommate that often and I work with him! I don't really have anyone here to talk to about BP when I have questions or I'm feeling bad or off, so I've been thinking of going to a local support group, I just haven't gone yet. I think I'm a bit of a chicken, maybe we should both find one in our areas and go, and then say how they were.

Blue

Hi Blue,

Thank you. Ironically, the store already called to schedule an interview Monday. I called and accepted the interview. My husband asked if I was really ready to do that, and my response was, "I've faked it before..." and I just started crying. He said he didn't want me to have to fake it. I should be happy that they called back so fast, right? Not worrying about faking it.

I think you have the right idea about looking for support groups in our communities -- I think I will look that up right now.

Carrie

I was just having these thoughts today. Why can't I be a better patient? Tho I do feel better about telling my therapist than my pdoc, I'm working on telling him stuff. I do know they talk about me tho bc my therapist told me they do, which for me is a good thing.

I really need to get out there and look for those support groups. Doing this by yourself sucks.

Blue

Sorry Carrie posted this in the wrong thread, this is what happens when u haven't had sleep in 24hrs. Glad I finally got some restoril from my pdoc today!

carrie,

I also feel a physical reaction to my moods. Mania and depression both hurt. The only answer I have found is good meds along with great therapy.

Bob, I am sorry you are feeling the uncomfortable pull of depression. I think it is wise of you to distance yourself from the crazy Pdoc and I know how hard it is to wait to see a new Pdoc. What external supports can you use that would act as to lift your mood. Is being outside and catching some rays of sun helpful for you. Right now I think it is important for you to invest in your self for the next two months until your appointment with the new Pdoc. Some people find exercise and the production of natural endorphins helpful in boosting mood. I feel for you Bob and I encourage you to take the positive steps that you can to hold you together until 7/15/2013. Keep in touch and let this community support you.

Carrie,

As for the psychiatrist appointment, I wonder if there might be a psychiatric emergency center in your area where you could see a psychiatrist soon. A bipolar person without the right meds constitutes a psychiatric emergency to me.

I can perfectly understand crying about a potential job opportunity. I think I've had so many negative experiences that I expect the next one to not work out, and my expectation is based on something real. And that's sad.

I can particularly relate with the following that you said:

"It is like a slow, dripping, creeping dread. It's a bleak outlook in general."

That's how depression feels to me.

My psychologist and hordes of other people tell me to exercise, go to church to meet people to overcome depression. As for church, I concede that finding friends and activities through church has helped me.

I swim for 45 minutes to an hour at a time and I don't think it relieves my depression at all. What it does is to get me out of the house to do something that I enjoy. But, the thoughts that go through my head while swimming are not that different from the ones I feel when I'm at home.

As for exercise, a lot of people say that "being in the present" is helpful and swimming forces me to be at least somewhat in the present, because I have to make sure, moment to moment, that I don't inhale water and drown. But, I don't notice that my thoughts are any better on the way home from swimming then they were beforehand.

I guess it's encouraging to become more muscular, in a marginal sort of way.

Hi P,

Muscular is good! Maybe it will help you out with the pretty lady you met ;)

Anyways, when I finished my last appointment with crazy pdoc, he wrote me out a prescription doubling my lamictal. When I had concerns, because increasing from 150 to 300mg in the past made my brain slow to the point of no concentration, he seemed put out, gave me the prescription he had already written up, and told me "it's not that big of a deal."

So, I guess I feel like I had permission to increase my lamictal. I only increased from 200mg to 300mg, and I am hoping that the last time my brain was slowed it was just because of a med combo between citalopram and lamictal.

I have been on 300mg for two days, and it really seems to have helped. The slow, dripping, creeping feeling is gone, mostly. It comes back a little bit in the late afternoon. The anxiety is gone; my outlook is not as bleak. So I feel better, but today I am having negative thoughts out the rear, one after another. It's like I am my own punching bag today. It's my brain telling me a I did thousands of things wrong in the last few years. One example: I didn't tell my sisters how I wanted my wedding flowers arranged -- they could have been more perfect.

The thoughts are so ridiculous! The content is so minor. I don't know why I am kicking my ass today. Especially when I feel better in general.

Carrie

I'm kicking my own ass today because most of the students dropped out of the English class I was teaching and we've had to cancel the course. I had actually gotten used to it, until I had a long discussing with the pastor this morning about each of us having a purpose. I have no idea what my purpose is, although I know I am very good at suffering and being insane.

In contrast to yesterday, today my thoughts are about futility and suicide. I'm listening to Amy Winehouse's songs. She knew what her purpose was: to drink and drug herself to death. And she accomplished it!

Persistence,

Maybe Amy's purpose was to teach others what NOT to do. I really enjoyed her music, and it's sad that there won't be any new stuff.

As for having a purpose, I do believe that, but then again, some people's aren't so specific or obvious. Sure, maybe someone is supposed to be a great architect, or someone like Oprah. But the way I think of it -- maybe someone's purpose was to save a life. One could save a life by being kind, or even by being (or not being) in the right time or place, you know like the butterfly effect. I think that if you are thinking about the purpose of your life in a spiritual sense, that conflicts with lots of people's idea that the purpose is always your job. I, myself, have always been a bit of a wandering soul, and I have never felt strongly drawn to a career. Maybe that is why I think this way. I have, however, always felt that connections with others, empathy, close friends --I have felt very strongly about these things. I try to connect with others in a positive way.
And I think maybe I have had more profound effects on others' lives than I specifically know of.

A yoga instructor in my past could make you feel at ease just by giving you a hug or putting a hand on your shoulder. I think of her as an example. I believe that her purpose in life was to share positive energy. But this isn't really that obvious.

So teaching English may not be your purpose in life, but without realizing it, you may be on to something with the "suffering and insane." Think about how much you have changed your own life with medication and therapy. Just that alone could inspire others and give them hope.

Maybe I am rambling, and maybe I don't know what I am talking about. Maybe you aren't comfortable sharing this stuff other than on an anonymous forum. But I still think writing seems to be a gift you have.

Carrie

Carrie,

Thanks for the encouragement about writing, and about potentially having a purpose and meaning that aren't traditionally "professional."

Yes, Amy Winehouse certainly left a towering example of how NOT to live, though I think there will still be people who are destined to live as she did.

My father also left a powerful example of how not to live, with his insanity, alcoholism and diabetic coma death. He's why I don't drink!

A friend asked me recently if returning to my vocation is really what I'm meant to do.

I feel a little better at the moment. I went for a fifty-minute swim and bought a pressure cooker, to eat at home and save money. My goal is to be debt-free by July or August.