i don't know.. i guess meh means i dont know haha. im just kinda sad but i don't have time to be sad but...
my manic episode -if- that's what it was couldn't have been longer than a few days, plus i was rapidly switching/mood swinging for like a week before and after the incident. maybe it was cut short or slowed down by the tranquilisers. what i do know, if i can be honest with myself, is that however i was then was a little different to anything that's been before. i mean i've experience like brief elations that i just have to tell people about, but this was more like being the duracell bunny, you know? and it wasnt blighted by anxiety or frustration (until later on) that i've had before when i've had racing thoughts or been unable tos sleep or whatever. and what's more, that time, i didn't feel like my thoughts were racing or things were unclear - on the contrary things felt fine and very clear - *I* was just faster than usual, more zen than usual, more attractive than usual, braver than usual, more awesome than usual! and i think things only escalated so much because i was sharing a room and in close proximity to a bunch of other people and in russia. otherwise i could see myself zooming along the next day too. and i think the more purposeful activity started a little before the mood, like i decided to start leaving because of my docs appointment and feeling down, and then as i sat around in my room, i decided more things! and more things! and to buy more trousers! and to do drugs! and alcohol! and go out! what, no one else is going out? well that's fine, i'll GO IT ALONE! and this guy spoke to me - he clearly fancies me! here's a picture of me looking HOT guys! oh my god, i can't contain how awesome i am, i need a shower! this is the best shower ever! it's more like as i was going up, or something, from being down, there would be like little landmark decisions that took me up.. like gusts of air in a balloon.. when things turned sour i was upset, in a way, and angry and so on, but there was still that "duracell bunny" feeling. and anytime after that i have been up in the past few days it's been a really scatterbrainy, overtalkative, distractible, nervous blah. i'm kind of annoyed about it not lasting very long....... TBH.
but that's the thing! it didnt and doesnt last long! i don't know what to think... i really don't.
n i know that feel about not eating. man i barely did anything the weeks before that happened. like i stopped caring about showering, brushing my teeth, changing clothes, eating... i've been having one meal a day for like a month! another thing is even in the like up state i would still be like "I'M ILL! (as in depressed)" and make it this huge thing, almost in an egotistical way. so i was justifying everything i was doing and how everyone else was bad and evil and me good (as opposed to the usual everyone else is good and i'm bad and don't deserve to live) by saying how ILL I WAS and NO ONE CARES because they are all TERRIBLE PEOPLE! but then later on would be like scoffing at the very IDEA of suicide and i don't understand why everyone is worried because i'm FINE, no thanks to YOU PEOPLE.
i mean i guess it shows how like an up mood can contain as many paradoxical multiplicities as a down one... or something... i think if there is a "bipolar" thing going on, mania is probably not a big part of it... like, if it is there, it's mainly just something complicating depressions... maybe....
Medications for October 21, 2011 to November 20, 2011
| 10-29-2011 - Present: | Trazodone, 150 mg.1 |
10-29-2011 - Present: | Phenazepam, 0.25.As needed |
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Joined: 01-17-2011